


Tired (but we don't talk about that)

by MichelleM



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: M/M, hints at depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2017-02-27
Packaged: 2018-09-27 07:51:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9983942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MichelleM/pseuds/MichelleM
Summary: Raphael Santiago is tired, but (we don't talk about that)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I know I should be updating Clingy. I've finished it and sent it off to be edited, so as soon as it's ready, it'll go up.  
> I was listening to Don't forget about me by Cloves, and this happened  
> Trigger warning: hints at depression

 

Raphael is tired,  _  tired damn it _

Tired of the secrets, the lies 

(And when did his life turn into  _ this _ )

~~~~ 

He is ten, and his father is now a memory, a thing not here 

His  _ mama _ is tired, and she asks him for help 

(This is the first day he learns what  _ tired  _ really is, but it won’t be the last)

~~~~~ 

Raphael is sixteen, but he is not a teenager, is not a boy

He is a man, a father, a  _ provider  _

He is tired

~~~~ 

Raphael knows he shouldn’t. That he should leave this, this,  _ whatever it is  _ to someone else

But his brothers (might as well be his children, but we don’t talk about that) are scared, and so he must deal with the threat

  
  
  
  


The threat deals with him

~~~~ 

Raphael is cold. No, not cold. Something worse, something closer to hell. 

(He’ll soon learn that hell can be very,  _ very  _ cold)

~~~~~ 

Raphael is tired. He is a provider, caretaker, a  _ pretender _

His mama knows something is off, but (we don’t talk about that)

~~~~ 

His mama is tired, but she gets to rest

Forever 

~~~~~

Raphael is tired, but  _ there is no rest for the wicked _

He is a provider, caretaker, and now he has to control his leader, hide her decidedly  _ not tired  _ actions

~~~ 

Raphael is tired, but for the first time in fifty years, he is  **_a l e r t_ **

Simon Lewis is like adrenaline, makes Raphael’s not dead heart race, makes it hard to think

For the first time in his forever, Raphael begins to think about not being tired

~~~~~ 

This is the thing about hope, about thinking you can be  **_not tired_ **

When it all comes crashing down, it will  **_B U R N_ **

Turns out, hell can be hot too

~~~ 

Raphael is a provider, a caretaker, a  _  l e a d e r _

_ Raphael is tired (but we don’t talk about that) _

Raphael is many things, but the worst of these is the  _ tired  _

Worse, now that he knows what **_nottired_** feels like. 

~~~~ 

Raphael tries not to let the tired show, when he threatens his adrenaline in the boat shed (his heart hurts, but,  _ we don’t talk about that _ ), and he almost thinks he succeeds

 

When he gets back home, the tiredness is worse.

So, so much worse 

~~~~~~ 

He knew the Clave would come for him, knew it in his bones the moment Camille was freed

He thinks the pain should be worse than it is (Aldertree did a number on him), but he doesn’t tell Magnus that, doesn’t tell him that the tiredness blankets everything

And then, the reason he’s like this is  _ there  _

 

He is tired, and seeing the fledgling will only make it worse (now, there was a time that he chased it away but,  _ we don’t talk about that) _

~~~~~ 

Raphael is a provider, protector, and leader 

Raphael is tired, more tired than he can ever remember being

But now, he’s resting

~~~~~~~~~

When Simon feels the wrenching pain in his chest, he instinctively knows what it is, doesn’t need Clary’s words to tell him  

( _ Valentine got to him, I’m sorry, we weren’t able to save Raphael _ )

And for the first time in his eternity, Simon knows what is to be  _ tired _

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you thought , and come yell at me about fandom stuff on tumblr at malec-clace-sizzy-delena-clizzy


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